Broken?
by TributeofTragedy
Summary: Death might not have been something he had wanted, but he had welcomed it as an old friend. Now that he's back, the only person not celebrating is him. Can someone show Jim why his life was important enough to save? Will the message finally get through that thick skull of his? Slight McKirk (Couple or just friendship, whatever you wish to read it as)
1. Chapter 1

**Well lookie here. My first Star Trek fic. Kinda just popped into my head and if I didn't get it down I think I might have exploded with feels and maybe anger. So this takes place a little before the ending of Into Darkness, right after Jim waking up in the hospital. There has been so many fics that have been written about how everyone felt about Kirk and his death, and then his resurrection if you will, and I have to say that none of them have really seemed right to me. I mean most of them make Jim way too weak and fragile and makes it seem like it was all his fault and stuff. I get that of course he would be weak emotionally, but I think people don't capture that right. He would do everything in his power to prove to everyone that he was okay, but eventually it would catch up with him and probably not until its almost too late. Jim is a character that is very much driven by emotion, but it only shows his strength, never to make him look weak. I hope that makes sense. I just want to show what I think Jim was like during that time/ how more should depict those events as. **

**So enough of me just talking,**

**Without Farther A Due-**

**Not As Broken**

* * *

It's been a week. A week since he's woken up. Four weeks since everything went to shit. He's died, brought back by some miracle super blood of a psychopathic, revenge seeking, villain named Khan. Most people would cry at his heroics, some would praise him over and over again, but there seems to also be a group who thinks he had no right to risk his life for them. Sure they are forever grateful that he saved them, saved all of them. But they wished he hadn't thought so little of himself, or what it would do to them if they hadn't been able to bring him back. They think he was sorta selfish, maybe a little suicidal, and even just plain stupid. To the command crew, his closet friends, his family, he didn't care about the consequences that his death would have, he just wanted to be the hero, once again.

"Dammit Jim!" Jim Kirk glanced up slightly before looking back to his PADD.

"Hey Bones."

Doctor Leonard McCoy, or Bones, was just one of many who would gladly wring Jim Kirks neck for the "stunt" he pulled. He had to bring the man back from the dead for Christ sakes!

"Hey Bones? That's all you got? I strictly remember telling you that you _couldn't_ have that damn PADD!"

Jim shrugged slightly, still not meeting McCoy's glare. "I just have to finish this report, it'll take 5 minutes and then you can scream at me some more okay?"

"No Jim, in case you forgot, you died. As in no pulse, no brain activity, dead." McCoy closed his eyes tight, taking a breath, "So give me the damn PADD or I swear to god I will hypo you so hard-" He stopped his tirade as the PADD was shoved into his hands.

"There goddammit! Take the stupid thing." Jim crossed his arms, looking out the window, irritation clear on his expression. He was so close to exploding, one more order, one more person telling him how he died and all the shit that _everyone else_ feels about, he swears will be beat to death. He understands, truly, but fucking seriously? If he had known all this shit would happen, he would have just let them all die. Well not really, but come on now. He saved them, and not just because he felt some need to be a hero, he wanted them to live, he wanted them to carry on even if he couldn't. He wasn't suicidal, he thought somewhat highly of himself, so help him he just wanted his family, his crew, to live.

McCoy sighed," Look kid, I know this has been hard on you. But you have to understand that you are still weak. I just don't want to lose you again over something as stupid as overworking yourself."

Jim continued to look out the window, as if Bones wasn't even there. He didn't have to justify his actions to anyone. They were his actions, and not matter what anyone could tell him, the right actions.

"You can't just pretend that this didn't happen, Jim."

"I'm not. Just because I came to terms with it and you can't, doesn't make it my problem."

"Oh don't give me that bullshit. You haven't come to terms with this, and probably won't for a while."

Jim flicked his eyes toward the doctor, letting out a disgusted sign. "There you go again."

"There I go again doing what?" McCoy narrowed his eyes at Jim, lips in a tight line.

"Thinking you know everything. Thinking you know how I feel or how I should feel. You know nothing."

"I know you died, I know you aren't taking this seriously. Dammit Jim. Do you even know how this has been on the rest of us?"

There is was. The last straw, the one last thing to say before he cracked. "Oh how could I not!? You've all shouted it at me so many times I think it might be permanently etched into my brain!"

"Then why do you think this is some kind of joke?!"

"I don't! God you know something? No one, not one fucking person has asked me what I truly feel about all this."

"Bullshit, we've all asked you! You just wont-"

Jim shot up in his bed, eyes filled with anger. He couldn't believe McCoy. "No you haven't! Every time I try to say something you all just come back with some bullshit about how hard this has been on you all and how stupid I am for trying to save you."

"Jim-" McCoy started to protest, but Jim was having none of it. He continued with venom dripping off of his words.

"I died, I fucking know. I was there, I felt everything. I felt the life drain out of me, I felt the pain of the radiation seep into every part of my body. I saw Spock, a god damn Vulcan, cry, and not just a sniffle, I saw the tears flowing out his eyes as my life stopped. So don't give me a lecture on how I won't tell you how I feel. I feel like shit, knowing that my crew, my family, thinks I was being selfish for saving your lives with my own. I did what I know was right, damn my own consequences." Jim closed his eyes tightly, breathing deeply as if trying to gain a control that is all but lost.

McCoy was frozen next to the bed. _Did Jim really feel like that? Oh god, what have we done?_ Dark thoughts as those began filling his head. He felt his heart beating faster then ever, his eyes fill with tears threatening to fall. He opened his mouth to respond but no words would come. McCoy lifted a shaking hand towards Jim, who was biting his lip to keep from screaming. When his hand fell on Jim's, his eyes flew open.

"Don't touch me. Actually, don't look at me, don't talk to me, don't help me ever again." With that Jim threw the blankets off his body and slid off the bed.

"Where are you going?"

Jim didn't even look at McCoy as he slide a t-shirt over his body, pulling his jeans over his bare legs. "Does it matter?" He sneered as he grabbed his boots and jacket. He gave Bones one last glare before he turned away, pulling the door open with haste, and left, leaving McCoy staring at the door.

Jim stormed down the hallway of the apartments known the used by the crew of the _Enterprise_. He passed many crew members, all yelling towards him in concern, but he just ignored them all, speeding up his pace. He knew he was just asking for everyone to think he'd gone crazy, probably all comming the senior officers. But he couldn't bring himself to ever care. He did what he did to save them, and now he just wanted to get away from them.

"Jim! Jim stop!"

He tensed slightly as his name, but didn't stop. He knew the voice to me that of one Lieutenant Uhura, the worst one of them all. She had screamed at him for a good 20 minutes, telling him how stupid he was and that if he ever tried to do that again, she would kill him herself. Some might take what was said as her own terms of endearment, but when everyone seemed to think it, it made it seem like anger, anger at him for did what he did. They thought him weak, they thought him selfish, they thought he was just trying to blow this all off. He couldn't stand it anymore.

Oh they thought he was suicidal before? Ha, that wasn't even close.

* * *

**So what did y'all think? Good? Bad? Amazing? So terrible that I shouldn't continue? I really want to know what you all think. I think this is going to be 2 shot unless I feel like making it longer, but it won't be longer then a 3 or 4 chapter story. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't, what you think could make this story better, and mostly what you want to see happen.**

**Thanks for reading.**

**Love, Keely**


	2. Chapter 2

**So... I fucked up. I really didn't mean to take over a month to write this, but you know life and school just kinda eat you alive sometimes. I am soooo sorry I took to long you guys. I hope you all understand. But anyhow, here we are. Second chapter! I was so happy with the response to this story. You guys are the sweetest! I hope you all like this chapter and I hope I can make the characters believe able! Writing Kirk is hard sometimes because honestly you don't know how he would react in certain situations, that damn emotional mess that he is sometimes. **

**Anyway,  
**

**Without Farther A Due-**

**Not as Broken, Chapter 2  
**

* * *

Jim ran. He needed to find a place, somewhere he could just stop. Stop thinking, caring, needing... Breathing.

The thing you'd think people would know about dying is that it isn't something the dead think about. When you die, when you are dying, you accept it. You realize the end is there and that the miracles aren't helping you anymore. Accepting death is like knowing you have truly done everything you can, and that even if there is some loose ends, you did the best you could. And sometimes that best you could was saving a ship of family, or possibly saving the world.

But do people ever really stop to think that in death, you don't want to come back. When Jim died, felt his life stop, when he knew it was over, and he didn't care. He completed his mission, saved his family. Then in the blink of an eye, he's back in the land of the living. And all because his family couldn't live without him. Oh he understands, that's just how he felt. But the difference is they don't know what it's like. Dying.

With a weak chest heaving, Jim finally slumped against the door to his apartment. He effortlessly opened to door to an empty living room, more inviting than he cared to admit. Across the barren space was a window, stretching the length of the wall. Jim stumbled towards it, running a hand through sweat soaked hair. He drew his hand up to the glass, eyes fluttering across the sky, seeing the stars that used to shine so bright. They were now dull. His stars, his home, is now something different. He is different. The memories of his journey through the final frontier were slashed, replaced with the memories of pain.

Jim hated it. Living. Even before his death. He was an actor, in a sense. The smiles, the laughs, everything one would say about Jim Kirk, were lies. He hated himself, hated what he is, what he has done. People don't know his story because to them, that story didn't exist. But why should he bother people with his real story, all it would do is make them feel sorry for him. He didn't need that. He just needed people to care about a man who needed people to care about. Jim was the suicidal man, but he was the suicidal man with a happy mask. Sometimes that mask would slip, like tonight.

He didn't know if he really wanted to die, but what did he have anymore? People who thought he was weak? What kind of family thinks just because you died, you are going to break? Breaking was something Jim had done long ago, so there wasn't enough to even smash anymore. He just wanted to go back to his job, his life before death, but no one would let him. Like they all knew everything he felt, just because they were the ones who were truly breaking.

Without taking his eyes off his stars, Jim pulled a vintage gun out of his beaten leather jacket, the kind you'd see in old holo vids. He wasn't sure he wanted to die this way, but he couldn't stay in a life where he was seen as broken. He cocked the gun back, turning the safety off, placing the barrel to his head.

_"But then again, maybe I broken." _He whispered, eyes closing. Jim put a finger on the trigger and started to squeeze...

"Jim! Jim where are you?"

Jim snapped his eyes open as his door creaked open , immediately knowing the voice to that of McCoy. _"Shit, why'd it have to be him of all people" _ Jim thought as he quietly slide to the ground, out of sight for now. He knew this was his only chance, to end it all and no one, not one person was going to ruin it for him.

Once again McCoy's voice drawled across the room," Jim stop hiding, I know you're in here."

The hairs on Jim's neck started to stand up, fear of being caught rising as the voice came closer, "Just whatever you're doing, whatever you're planning, stop and think about it. Just come out so we can talk, okay?"

"No." Jim whispered into the darkness, hoping his voice didn't sound as weak and pathetic as he felt.

"Jim whatever this is, it isn't the answer. Please, you've got everyone worried sick."

Jim felt his eyes begin to sting with tears, his head start to pound in agony. He just couldn't understand why people couldn't just leave him alone, why they just couldn't let go of him. To him all he did was make messes for others to clean up, and he was sick of it.

He cleared his rusty throat, "Maybe it's the easiest answer, Bones." Jim closed his eyes, knowing he would have another day, another day to wait. He waited until he could feel the soft touch of fabric as McCoy sat down next to him before he opened his eyes once again. He rested his head against the wall, looking up towards the ceiling. "Guess my secret hiding spot isn't so secret after all" Jim commented, still not looking at McCoy. He heard a sign to his left, it was full of anger and concern, pity and maybe a hint of guilt.

"When your secret hide out just so happens to be your apartment, then yeah, not so secret." McCoy replied, using a tone Jim knew was starting to become difficult to keep.

"I figured since I rarely come here, it'd be the last place someone would find me."

"Which is exactly why I knew you might come here. I know you better then you think I do." McCoy said, his voice beginning to waver a bit. He himself knew he couldn't keep this up forever, but damn it all he could try his hardest if it meant Jim would be okay, or at least wouldn't be sitting in a dark room thinking god doesn't wanna know what.

"Don't, you sound like him." Jim's voice suddenly became harsh with pain from the past. That was one of the last things he said to him, one of the things that reminded him everyday that he had failed him.

"Well I guess I'm not the only one who's learned the ever going lesson of Jim Kirk."

Jim grinned slightly, a small chuckle releasing some of the tension in the air, "Yeah... Sorry."

McCoy's frown deepened at the hurt he could hear in his friends voice, something one shouldn't ever associate with Jim Kirk. Knowing this was going nowhere and fast, Bones went right up and ripped the band-aid off in one go, "Jim, what were you doing before I got here?"

A sigh came, a telling sign. After a lifetime of anticipating silence, "I was... Well going to do probably what you think I was going to do."

Then it was like the world suddenly froze, stopping time in it's tracks. The worst fear of someone with a friend, is hearing the defeat, the sadness, the unforgiving want to end it all. Neither knows what to do, neither knows what to say. There is so much that needs to be said, but the question always is, Is that the right answer?

McCoy's steal plated heart finally cracked. He finally cracked, feeling a tear roll down his cheek, " Jim I-"

"It's fine Bones. You don't have anything to be sorry for." Jim's voice was tainted with pain and the overwhelming want for peace.

"But Jim, you were going to... you were going to... I almost didn't stop it." McCoy exclaimed, turning his body so it was completely facing Jim's.

"I wish you wouldn't have." Jim whispered.

"Don't say that. Don't you say that. Not after all this, you don't get to tell me you want to kill yourself. No." McCoy began fuming with anger, shocked beyond compare, to know Jim was so broken. Was it him? Was it dying? Did he finally break like we thought?

That's when Jim snapped, jumping to his feet, looking down on McCoy. He screamed at his friend,"Why? Why can't you see that I just want to be gone? God, I was dead. I was finally at peace and then you had to go and bring me back you selfish bastard! I didn't want you to bring me back so why did you? What makes me so much more special then all the others?" Without waiting for a response, Jim turned on his heel, trying to make a break for the door. But as his hand reached the door knob, a hand grabbed at his arm, pulling him back. He stumbled toward McCoy, whose grip was tightening around his arms, as if to insure he wouldn't be able to escape.

McCoy pulled him closer, putting his free hand on his face, making Jim look him in the eyes. "Listen to me Jim, and listen good. You want to know why I brought you back? I brought you back because I couldn't stand to live without you, I couldn't stand to have to deal with knowing I could've saved you but didn't. And I know that sounds selfish but trust me, there was a whole lot of people who felt the same. God do you even know what that ship was like when they thought they'd lost their captain? That's what makes you more special then everyone else, I know you wont and probably will never see it that way, but dammit Jim you give them things no one could ever begin to give. You give them hope, perseverance, smiles, jokes, and you gave them your life. But sometimes that isn't all fine and dandy. We couldn't live without a captain, so we choose not to. Was it the most logical choice? Probably not. Was it the right one? God knows why, but I know I couldn't stand the thought of living without your self-sacrificing, annoying as hell, childish, -"

"Wow way to make a girl feel special Bones" Jim interrupted.

"Well maybe if you didn't make it you fucking mission in life to cause all sorts of problems for me then maybe I would have some nicer things to say." McCoy shot back, trying to conceal a smirk.

Jim's eyes darkened once again, his voice starting to crack seemingly by his past, "Now wait a minute. I don't try to make everyone's lives a living hell, it just happens. Call it karma or whatever, but I wish it didn't happen. And I know I will be making up for it for the rest of my life and-"

"Stop right there. Don't you think for one second that any of this is your fault. As much as I love to say it, the clusterfuck that is our lives is not in anyway your doing. Sure, you've made some mistakes, but everyone does, and when it counted you fixed them. Jim, I know you have some major shit in your past, and I know you are still healing from it and maybe you never will, but what makes you special and what makes you different is how you chose to deal with it. You turn so many bad things into Sunday strolls in the park. So no, you wont be making anything up, not to me and not to anyone else. Got it?"

That's when Jim finally broke, knowing it was finally okay to let go. Tears finally escaped from the depths of his ocean irises, rolling down red cheeks and dissolving into McCoy's blue tunic. Sobs shook Jim's body as he collapsed McCoy's grasp, looking for a shoulder to cry on, a hand to rub his back, a pair of arms to wrap themselves around his body, to make him feel safe, to make him feel protected.

McCoy brought a hand up to his head, stroking the blonde's hair gently, "shhhh... It's okay, It's all gonna be okay. You're safe now. You are going to be okay. Just let go, Jim. Let it all go."

* * *

**Sooooooo. How was that? Was it worth the ridiculously long wait I made you all suffer through? I hope so, and again I am so so so sorry that I took so long to update, I just had a lot of things going on and this story became almost none existent on my list of priorities. Next time I start writing a new story, I am definitely going to just write all the chapters before posting anything for the story. **

**Anyway, so I feel like I can just end this story right where I did, but I want to know if you are all okay with that. I am totally willing to write another chapter, where its kind of a wrap up type of thing where everything is all good again and everyone is leaving for their next mission or something. So please let me know if that is something you all want. I think if half of the people who review this chapter say they would like something like that, then I will, so if you want it to happen, or not to happen, REVIEW MY LOVELIES! **

**Again I hope this chapter was well worth the wait, and if it wasn't please tell me what you think would help enhance this story or my writing. I am always looking for what the reader thinks and I would love to get some feed back on what you all think!**

**With all the love in the universe,**

**Keely **


End file.
